What is domestic and family violence

Domestic and family violence is when one person in a relationship uses violence or abuse to hurt, scare and control the other person in the relationship.

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Relationships where domestic and family violence can happen

Under Queensland’s law, domestic and family violence can happen in 3 different types of relationships:

• Romantic and intimate relationships—any relationship with or between boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, engaged or married couples, separated and divorced couples. This includes straight and LGBTIQ+ couples. It also includes past relationships, like couples who have broken up, separated or divorced.
• Family relationships—any relationship with someone you are related to, like parents, adult children, grandparents, cousins, aunts or uncles. It also includes relatives by marriage, such as in-laws or stepparents. In your culture, other people may also be called family or kin, like Elders in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities.
• Informal care relationship—when one person depends on another person for daily needs, like getting dressed, cooking or shopping. It doesn’t include help provided by a disability support worker.

Domestic and family violence can happen to anyone, but women with disability are almost twice as likely to experience domestic and family violence than women without disability (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare).

No matter what relationship or care arrangement you may have, if you think somebody is hurting or abusing you, help and support is available. You can talk to someone you trust about it or contact a support service.

Different types of domestic and family violence

Sometimes people don’t realise they are experiencing domestic or family violence.

Domestic and family violence can happen in many ways. It is not always physical abuse.

It can include any of the following:

• Emotional or psychological abuse

  Emotional or psychological abuse is when someone makes you feel afraid or bad about yourself by criticising, threatening or controlling you.

  Sometimes it is subtle and hard to notice at first, but over time it can lower your self-confidence. Other times it is obvious what is happening.

  It might include:

  • Constant criticism and put downs
  • Yelling, shouting or swearing at you
  • Telling you that no-one else will love you or that you don’t deserve better
  • Blaming you for things that are not your fault
  • Trying to convince you or others that you are ‘crazy’ or a ‘liar’
  • Jealousy and accusing you of having affairs
  • Threatening to put you into care
  • Controlling parts of your life you don’t want them to and not letting you make decisions
  • Threatening to hurt you—or people and things you care about like your children, other family members, assistance animal or pets

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• Financial abuse

  Financial abuse is when someone takes or controls your money in a way that you do not agree with and is not good for you. This might include:

  • Not letting you decide how to spend your money.
  • Getting angry when you spend money.
  • Taking your pay or restricting your access to joint bank accounts.
  • Refusing to pay for items you need such as food, doctor’s appointments and medicine.
  • Not letting you decide how to spend your NDIS money, if you have some and want to.
  • Regularly taking your money without asking.
  • Regularly saying they will pay you back but never doing it.
  • Making you sign contracts that you do not understand.
  • Not letting you have a job so you can earn your own money.
  • Making money decisions without you

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• Physical abuse

  Physical abuse is when someone intentionally hurts your body or scares you by doing or threatening violent things.

  This might include:

  • Hitting, punching, kicking, stabbing, burning, choking or anything that causes you injury
  • Pinching, slapping or spitting on you
  • Not giving you medicine or giving you too much to make you sleepy
  • Removing, hiding or damaging your mobility or communication aids
  • Punching holes in walls, breaking things or throwing something at you
  • Showering you in freezing cold water
  • Hitting, punching, kicking or hurting assistance animals or pets
  • Not giving assistance animals or pets the care they need, like food and water

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• Sexual abuse

  Sexual abuse is when someone forces you to be part of something sexual when you don’t want to.

  This might include:

  • Forcing you to have sex or do sexual things when you don’t want to—even if you are in a relationship with that person
  • Making you touch them or touching you in places you don’t want to be touched
  • Showing you sexual images that you don’t want to see
  • Intentionally hurting you during sex
  • Taking photos of you when you’re naked without your permission
  • Posting sexual images of you online without your permission
  • Saying they will not help you do things unless you have sex with them
  • Saying you’ll get in trouble if you don’t have sex with them or if you tell people you are being made to do sexual things
  • Controlling your reproductive choices, like using contraception or having / not having children

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• Neglect

  Neglect is when you don’t have the support to meet your basic needs. People with disability can experience neglect from their partner, family or informal carer.

  This can include:

  • Stopping you from getting sleep, food or medical care
  • Not helping you stay clean and hygienic
  • Regularly leaving you in an uncomfortable situation
  • Only giving you a short amount of time to eat before taking your food away
  • Ignoring you when you want or need attention
  • Locking you inside a room or the house
  • Not charging your mobility or communication aids
  • Not allowing you to use your mobility or communication aids

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• Social abuse

  Social abuse is when someone stops you from seeing or contacting your friends or family.

  This might include:

  • Controlling which friends or family you can contact or spend time with
  • Constantly criticising your friends or family
  • Making you feel guilty about going out to spend time with friends and family, or even to attend work
  • Moving you away to live somewhere that you don’t have friends or family
  • Not letting you have interests and hobbies that don’t involve them
  • Leaving you at home because it takes too long to help you get out of the house

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• Technology-based abuse

  Technology-based abuse is when someone uses technology to make you feel bad or to control you.

  This might include:

  • Checking your phone, email or social media without permission
  • Stopping you from accessing your phone or computer
  • Stopping you from using accessibility aids you need like a screen reader
  • Not charging your communication aids or devices
  • Abusing or embarrassing you on social media
  • Tracking your movements through your phone
  • Monitoring your internet usage

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• Stalking

  Stalking is when someone repeatedly watches, follows or harasses you, even though you want them to leave you alone. This can include:

  • Following you in their car or by foot.
  • Waiting for you outside your home, workplace or university.
  • Leaving unwanted notes or gifts for you to find.
  • Talking to friends, neighbours or your children about your movements or activities.
  • Constantly checking where you are and what you are doing.
  • Using tracking devices so they know where you are.

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• Spiritual, cultural or religious abuse

  Spiritual, cultural or religious abuse is when someone uses your culture, spirituality or religious beliefs to abuse or control you.

  It can include:

  • Making you feel bad about your beliefs and traditions
  • Stopping you from taking part in religious activities or cultural ceremonies and traditions (like Sorry Business in Aboriginal and Torres Strait lslander communities)
  • Refusing to help you attend religious activities or cultural ceremonies and traditions (like Sorry Business in Aboriginal and Torres Strait lslander communities)
  • Stopping you from wearing traditional clothing (e.g. a hijab) or following dietary practices (like eating kosher or halal food)
  • Using religious texts or beliefs to say their behaviour is okay or to stop you from leaving them or ending the relationship
  • Forcing you to follow their religious or cultural practices when you don't want to

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• Identity-based abuse

  Identity-based abuse is when someone uses aspects of who you are to threaten or hurt you. This can include your race, gender or sexuality.

  Some examples are:

  • Using negative feelings about your identity as an excuse for violence or abuse
  • Using your identity to make you feel confused, ashamed or guilty
  • Demanding that you hide parts of your identity or choose which part of your identity is most important to you
  • Threatening to tell or telling people you are gay, lesbian or bi-sexual without your consent
  • Threatening to tell or telling people you are transgender or non-binary without your consent
  • Threatening to reveal or revealing your HIV status to others
  • Threatening to tell or telling people about your disability without your consent

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Useful links and resources

Below are links to more information about domestic and family violence that you might like to explore. There are things you can download, read, listen to or watch.

Some of the resources are from other parts of Australia, where the laws about the relationships in which domestic and family violence can happen may be different. But no matter what relationship or care arrangement you have, if you think someone is hurting or abusing you, you can seek help—talk to someone you trust about it or contact a support service.

Download

Sunny is 1800RESPECT's app for women with disability. It includes information and support if you have experienced violence and abuse. It is free to download and use on your smartphone. Watch a short video about the Sunny app.

Read

The Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria (DVRCV) share stories from 8 women with disability who have experienced domestic and family violence.

Also on the DVRCV website, women with disability share advice based on their experiences dealing with a domestic and family violence situation and how they got help. The steps you take will depend on your own situation, but these stories may give you some ideas about what you might do.

You deserve to be safe (PDF, 1.1MB) is a simple English booklet about domestic and family violence developed by WWILD, a Queensland organisation that supports people with intellectual disabilities who are survivors of crime. It describes the range of behaviours that might be violence in a relationship and provides suggestions about what to do and who you might talk to about your safety.

For women from different cultures and language backgrounds

Women’s Legal Service Queensland has created fact sheets about domestic and family violence that are available in English, Arabic, Russian, Chinese (Simplified), Filipino and Vietnamese.

The Australian Government’s Department of Social Services has made a picture storyboard about domestic and family violence (PDF, 798KB) with images and simple words. It is not specifically for women with disability but includes helpful information for everyone.

Listen

Women, disability and domestic violence (ABC Life Matters) is a discussion on the challenges of ending domestic and family violence against women with disability in Australia.

Growing bold in a world of violence (Feros Care) is a podcast episode where Karni Liddell, a Paralympian and disability and diversity specialist from Queensland, talks about domestic and family violence in the disability community and what needs to be done to solve the issue.

Watch

Other videos

Women’s Legal Service Queensland has a series of videos about financial abuse that can help you understand what it is and the steps you can take to get financial independence.

Queensland Courts explain the court process for applying or responding to domestic violence orders. There are videos in Auslan and different languages: Arabic, Mandarin, Persian/Farsi, Spanish, Thai and Vietnamese.

Deaf Society Australia has a series of videos about domestic and family violence in Auslan. Topics include emotional abuse, healthy relationships and what you can do in a domestic and family violence situation.

Victorian Advocacy League for Individuals with Disability (VALID) has a video series called Staying safe. Their topics include financial abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse—and what to do in these situations.

Reach out for help: Domestic and family violence is not part of our culture is another video by the Queensland Courts, which includes information about domestic and family violence and where to get help for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. It is not specifically about disability but contains information that you may find helpful.

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